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filling the void

Friday, March 07, 2008

I'm Ready

I'm ready for my life to go on.
I'm ready for the life I'm living now to be complete so that I can move on to the next phase of my life (whatever that turns out to be). Right now it only feels like I'm going through the motions. There's no real joy in what I do (even though it is fun), and I feel like it's all just a means to an end. It's a very annoying state to be in. Motivation is low, and the sense of accomplishment when something actually happens is met with, at most, a "meh"...
I don't know what life holds for me on the other side of my M.Sc. degree, but I feel like I need to get there. I've been in school since 2001, and it's about fucking time I got out. I need to start living the real life, making money, having freedoms, rather than just waiting to be judged by people who can choose to hold up my life at their whim.
There's no doubt in my mind that I'll make my deadline (more or less, anyway), and that I will actually get out, but it feels like if that day could come sooner rather than later, I would be a happy Markus.
Here in Holland, more than anywhere else, I get the feeling that one day is just exactly like the other. Nothing ever changes. The hamster wheel is ever present, and nothing I do or say will make the view from inside the mental cage that is my reality change. Having been on the other fence, having had a job and things to do, I know that all life isn't like this. I know that it is actually possible for it to be different. In fact it is possible for it to be very different, but "different" isn't a word that is very common here in the Netherlands. I think people here are afraid to stand out. They think that if they do, they will be rejected by society, and their life will turn to utter shit. In a way, I think they are right. When you live in a society where you are afraid that people will judge you for a certain thing, then you are bound to judge people for that very same thing yourself. As a result, there is very little spice and color in everyday life in my current world, and I think it is dragging me down with it. It makes me sad, but most of all it makes me apathetic.

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