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filling the void

Thursday, January 12, 2006


I want to escape the shackles of everyday life.
Nothing excites me anymore...
The drudgery of everyday things...
I'm sitting here listeing to some rave/goa/techno stuff from the mid 1990-ies, and I must say that music doesn't come better than this. This is one of the things that makes me so sad. With everything I so, I JUST miss the big wave of when it's happening. I'm always second to know. Not last, mind you, but never first.
My industry is riding the crest of some very cool discoveries in the 60,70 and 80-ies, and the boom of the 90-ies. I get in in late 90, just before the crash, and now I'm reaping the consequences.
With music, it's like I also got in to late. I am happy that I didn't hhave to be a teenager in the 1980ies, with all that that entails, butI'm also angry for my rather protected upbringing. I'm sad that I missed the big rave wave in stockholm form early to mid 1990ies. Also here, I got in on the crest, and now it's just pansy-ass mainstream house, and there are no values in it anymore.

I also very much miss not doing all the drugs I possibly could have in the ninties. I'm sure my life would have been very different if I had, and not neccesarily for the better, but I feel that I have missed out on many experiences that people around my age, both younger and older, have had around that time, and now reminisce about.

The only rare occasions of real joy I get nowadays is the occasional party with some of my old-school friends (that I don't see often enough, I blame the relocation of cities for this one), and the music that I dig out from those days. Days when things were more easy going, the media pressure wasn't as high, and the police presence in everything I stand for wasn't so hihg. (And, I suppose, my spelling was better, shit, I don't know. I must be getting dyslexic in my old age. I can never get double consonants right these days. it's like a damn curse. words don't look right to me.)

It's like I'm alone, and the whole world is against me, but I also much don't like it in the company of other people, unless they are the right people.
I know that alot of dreams you have as a child get shattered as you grow up, but on days like this, it feels like the entire world is crashing down on my head.
It could be my massive guilt over not studying when I know I should, or that I have dishes do do, or any of my day-to-day chores, but I like to try and see the bigger picture.

WoW pacifies me from time to time, but after hitting lvl 60 (for you non-players, it's as high as you get), it's just whack-a-mole for me. Sadly though, it's my favourite escape, so I don't end up doing much else with my time.
I'm not easily addicted to chemicals, but video games has a certain grasp on me that I can't shake, and to be honest, am not sure I want to shake either.
This attitude is probably typical of an addict, but I quite frankly don't give a shit.

I did get my order of the band of brothers boxset and "the complete farside" the other day, things that normally send me into a frenzy of joy (my days aren't always this grey, I assure you), but I can't even bring myself to think about the happiness these things will bring me, lest they'd break into the state that I'm in, and become associated with the crappiness of this day.
This is why I don't like referring to good memories and such when I'm feeling down, for fear of negative association. Granted, patterning can be unlearned, but research (or reading my psychology books anyway) shows that it's very easy to re-aquire these pattners, even if they seemed to have been unlearned.

Whatever, lets get som studying done, and then maybe I can go online and kill someone. That usually makes me feel better.



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