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filling the void

Thursday, June 30, 2005

The nagging sensation in the back of my mind

I don't like having equal choices.
I find that I have a very hard time deciding between two or more things, when they offer more or less the exact same value to me, and i must choose only one. Choices like that are hard for me.
But when I do make a choice, I do my darndest to make everything work out the way I want to.
I also dislike waiting. Mostly I dislike waiting for pages online to load, the there are other kinds of waiting.
The worst wait is the one you can't control, but none the less have to endure. Like waiting for the train to arrive. You can't do anything to make the train get there faster, and you have no option but to wait, since you can't very well travel when the train isn't around.

Taken together, I'd say I like instant gratification. Not that I can't wait to get what I want, but the sooner it arrives, the better I feel, to a certain extent.

The girl that entered the world of my blog a couple of days ago has been on my mind with increasing frequency these last days. I have spoken to my close friends about the situation, and they all seem to be for it whatever that "it" might turn out to be.
I'm seeing her on Saturday, we're all going out, the amusement park gang. Seeing her Saturday will bring joy to my heart, but things being as they are, I can't help but be a little bit paranoid.

She works at the amusement park, as I did, until recently. This is a place that's swarming with beautiful men and women in an attractive age range. And things can happen very quickly in that place. Entire groups can break up and reform over the span of a day. People making enemies, new friends and new lovers over a 15 minute break.

My problem is this. Since I have decided that whatever we have now might be nice, I want some more, and I'm going to do my best to try to make that happen. But, what I don't like, is the fact that I have to wait another two days for Saturday to come around. Two days in that place is a log of 15 minute breaks, let me tell you. I guess I'm worried that if I don't get there fast enough, I might end up being horribly horribly late.
There's this interesting sensation in my chest now, undefined as of right now, but I'd hate for that to turn into grief and despair because somebody beat me to the punch in these two days.
Especially since she probably has no clue about my current state of mind.
I hate to leave things up fate, but in this instance, i have very little choice.
So I bide my time.
Hoping and wishing that when Saturday comes around, it'll be all I want it to be.
I must sound like I'm about to ask this girl to marry me, but I'm only asking her out on a simple date, maybe not even that, depending.
She's really grown in my mind (not unlike the shadow that's been growing in gandalf's mind, but in a very very good way) these couple of days. I hope things turn out the way I want them to.
I'd be very sad indeed, should I find that I am too late. But then again, if time is the only factor, then maybe it wasn't meant to be, if things like this ever are.

So until Saturday comes around, I can do very little but wait...

Markus out


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