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filling the void

Friday, August 05, 2005

As The Rush Comes

A while back, I decided to cut down drastically on my coke and candy consumption. As a result, absolutely nothing has happened to neither my economy nor my waistline.
The only noticeable thing is that I'm more tired now, need more sleep, and I have bigger problems getting up in the mornings.

The only good thing that has come of this (ok, besides making life easier on my teeth) is that I can now get those wonderful coke rushes when I do enough. Before, I needed ALOT of coke to get a rush that I could feel. I could sometimes over do it, and I'd get sweats and my stomach would turn on me. If I did just enough, I could benefit form it without the sensation of the rush. I'd stay awake longer, I'd be more focused, and I'd write better code (or play better diablo2, depending).
Now, I just had my fourth can today (what were you thinking, line? :p), and I can feel the rush. Like an insect in the back of my mind, buzzing. I'm tweaked on pop, and I'm loving it.

Of course, this in no way compares to x or speed or anything, but it's a damn nice feeling when you need those extra couple of hours of coding, or when you just want to feel better.
I haven't slept properly for something like 2-3 months now, ever since I moved back down here basically (I thought the summer was for relaxation and recuperation?), and it ticks me off.
maybe I should just kick up my coke account, and get back on track.
I can feel the tingling in my fingers now, and the stretching of the fabric of time and space, creating a tunnel between me and the keyboard. Imagine a constant acceleration through space, with the world as you know it elongating with every passing second, but never reaching a point where it will stop.
You feel the sensation coursing through your veins. Mostly in your arms. And the music is sweeter.

"Yeah, sort of reminds me of a time in Montana. It was 31st of December 1994 when I saw the Mexican Jesus floating down the river. Yellowstone National Park. I think it was like minus twenty degrees in the snow and he was floating down butt naked. I don't think he was Native American, he seemed too Mexican looking you know. He had long black hair and he was butt naked in the middle of the Yellowstone River. Minus twenty. And we'd put our head under the water and come up and we turned our eyes and he didn't have a [...] of ice on his hand, nothing. He was completely immune to the cold. And eh, which reminds me about the ayahuasca experience you know meeting the Mother Serpent. I don't think anybody really could, err... How to describe it? It was totally mind numbing. Just taking it, and waiting and that first time you take it, the suddenly you feel like you've got these vines running through your body. They were [...] ripping through your body. And that bright light burning you up from the inside. Next thing

Genetic material getting changed before your eyes. Man, people think they know about drugs, but... That ain't a drug, it's a sacrament. It's just a portal to another world. It's realities that are always there. A key to other dimensions That we live with them all the time. Thankfully our awareness never touches...

How would I describe it? Terrifying. Enlightening. But utterly terrifying. You swear you'll never go back. Ever. And the next thing you know, you're taking it again. You're going down that tunnel.

People say you have a choice. I don't think there's any choice.

Ayahuasca just takes you. No choice. You surrender or you resist. Resist or inhale. You surrender, you must be free.

I don't know if I could do that again.

And the Mother Goddess calls me, the cosmic circuit calls. I have to answer. And I have to go back to the [...] I have no choice. I have no choice. It's not a drug, it's... It's not a drug. It's just the holy sacrament."

Scatterbrain - Mexican jesus

definitely more coke for me.

--Markus out


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